Author Topic: What can be done about a womanizer?  (Read 11443 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Hidden

  • You shall love your crooked neighbor with your crooked heart.
  • Legendary Member
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 4,467
  • Gender: Female
  • Kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight.
What can be done about a womanizer?
« on: September 08, 2010, 09:37:09 AM »
My GF Pink sent me this article from www.relationshipmatters.com. Thoughts?

What can be done about a womanizer? by Dr. Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.

What can be done about a womanizer?


Over the years I have witnessed the agony of women who are in primary relationships with womanizing men. I have listened to their stories of betrayal, shame, abandonment, neglect, and emotional abuse. I also felt compassion for them as they often spoke of the love they still felt for the straying men in their lives.

A womanizer is a man who repeatedly gets emotionally and sexually involved with other women while being in a primary relationship. He indulges in flirtatious behaviors, attracting women with his charm and wooing conduct. Womanizing males are often very charming, appealing, and may even seem vulnerable, which many women find most endearing. Along with the playful seduction come flattering words, gifts, entertainment and fun activities bestowed upon his momentary love interest.

Lying is a necessary companion of all illegal and immoral conduct. The womanizer spins a web of intricate lies, cover-up stories and false alibis to sustain his double life.

Sex is not necessarily what he seeks, but it is the ultimate form of female acceptance. Some people term womanizers as sex-addicts, I prefer to view them as validation-addicts. Not that this distinction alters any of the behaviors, or condones them.

It simply emphasizes that these males are deeply insecure about their worth and personal appeal. They desperately need the repeated reassurances of many women to validate their desirability. Since this is a quest of external validation, which is not matched by their internal esteem, it is unquenchable. No one woman ever suffices.
A womanizer is a tragic person. He keeps creating greater and greater messes in his life and is never secure for more than a moment. He exerts immense energy, at great cost, for short-lived rewards.

As with any addiction, when confronted, the womanizer is very contrite, feel remorse, promises to alter his conduct, to only resume his escapades shortly after the emotional storm subsides.

It is important to note that not all men who stray are womanizers. The term only applies to men with a repeated pattern of infidelity. The nature of the womanizer's pursuits are multiple and intense. The man himself is often very clear whether he is seeking a new relationship, or a conquest. He also knows how insecure he feels when he is not pursuing a new love interest. [Bold text mine]

Interestingly enough, wives of womanizers are often very sweet, loyal, trusting and even naive women. They are typically very non-intrusive and may be quite gullible. Because these wives are often very decent themselves, they accept the tall tales. They cling to the flimsy thread of the possible - rather than the probable explanation. Sometimes they are in denial of the intolerable reality.

It may take the wife years to become aware of her husband's dalliances. Even when the evidence is glaring, some women still allow for the most unlikely explanation for their husbands' blatant transgressions.

"I think it is possible for my husband to have spent a weekend with this woman at a resort, not being involved, just helping her with her current life's difficulty." "Not all encounters between opposite genders are necessarily sexual". These comments, made by devoted wives of womanizers, exemplify the logic some women use to avoid dealing with their cruel reality.

The wife is often unprepared to face reality because it will shatter her life and family, as well as devastate her trust and love for her husband. She may be in denial because of financial dependence, fear of abandonment, or the dread of facing overwhelming life-altering changes. She may feel guilt about her part of this crisis and may be willing to forgive him under promises of cessation.

The tragedy is that many womanizers are very much in love and in need of their wives. The steady, loving and supportive partner, is seen by the man as the family's anchor. He often respects, admires and cherishes his wife and can not see himself without her. Yet, in his weakness he re-offends.

There is a parallel pattern for females -- the seductress. It is similar, yet not identical to the womanizer. (More about her in a future column).

What can be done?

-- Realize that womanizing is an addiction. It needs to be defined and treated as such.

-- Since addictive behaviors mask intolerable feelings, these must be discovered and treated.

-- The womanizer is the only person who can decide to alter his ways and seek the help he needs.

-- Most addicts are best treated in an intensive residential treatment program followed by ongoing therapy and attendance in SLA (Sex and Love Addiction) twelve-step program.

-- His behavior is no reflection of his wife's capacity as a partner.

-- Womanizing behaviors are not evidence of lack of love for the primary partner.

-- Denial, rationalizations, excuses and forgiveness do not help bring about recovery. Both partners must understand the nature of the addiction and commit to dealing with it.

-- Accusations, angry retorts and character attributions are destructive and must be avoided.

-- Women must safeguard their own well being, which at times may require separating from the womanizer.

-- Recovery is possible. It takes awareness, time, energy, money and commitment.

The rewards of recovery from addiction are immense. Those who have succeeded can attest to the new life they have gained and the joy they have attained in their relationships.
"What you want and what you do to me/I'll take the trouble that you have in mind." - Phoenix, "Entertainment"


CM (poly): Spock   
Dating prospects: Red Shirts
late BF: Bones
SG Friend: Luke
SG Friend: Joel
LD BFF: Traveller
GFs: Yogi, Funny Lady, Skin Horse, Mamacita, Rhoda, Bettie
Pets: Angel (RB), Imp, Pinball
Nephew and Niece: Tigger and Diva
xMM: Jag

Offline Hidden

  • Junior Member
  • *
  • Join Date: May 2010
  • Posts: 71
  • Gender: Female
Re: What can be done about a womanizer?
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2010, 09:44:09 AM »
Wow this article is exactly how my marriage was......helps it make sense though.
Elvis = xMM
Barbie = W

Pile up too many tomorrows and you'll find that you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays.
...
Whenever you are found with a decision, a choice, or an opportunity, choose in favor of your passions.

twinkie

  • Guest
Re: What can be done about a womanizer?
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2010, 09:54:36 AM »
very interesting article... i think xMM is a womanizer... is that necessary bad?

Offline Hidden

  • You shall love your crooked neighbor with your crooked heart.
  • Legendary Member
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 4,467
  • Gender: Female
  • Kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight.
Re: What can be done about a womanizer?
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2010, 10:02:58 AM »
very interesting article... i think xMM is a womanizer... is that necessary bad?


No . . . it just means that he's very sick, according to this author. If he's sick, he can get well, but he has to be willing to do what it takes to heal.
"What you want and what you do to me/I'll take the trouble that you have in mind." - Phoenix, "Entertainment"


CM (poly): Spock   
Dating prospects: Red Shirts
late BF: Bones
SG Friend: Luke
SG Friend: Joel
LD BFF: Traveller
GFs: Yogi, Funny Lady, Skin Horse, Mamacita, Rhoda, Bettie
Pets: Angel (RB), Imp, Pinball
Nephew and Niece: Tigger and Diva
xMM: Jag

Offline Hidden

  • I love him so much it hurts
  • Banned
  • Superhero Member
  • ******
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 2,256
  • Gender: Female
  • Live life to the full
Re: What can be done about a womanizer?
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2010, 10:16:30 AM »
What if both CM and I come into the category -two sick people together or maybe two kindred spirits understanding each other?

Ummmmm room for contemplation here
[mergedate]Posted September 08, 2010, 10:34:45 AM[/mergedate]
I just reread it and then a number of things hit me things hit me,

1) it is saying you need an intensive rehabilitation therapy for love/sex addiction which I am sure the author would provide at a cost
2) the behaviour could be attributed at almost any cheating situation
3) the wives are portrayed a sweet naive women, if ever what a BS wants to hear is any excuses for what is going on and how blameless they are.
« Last Edit: September 08, 2010, 10:34:45 AM by earthsoul »
Earth - me,
Soul - CM,
Earthling - DS,
Safe - Souls partner,
LOVE WITH ABANDON (Princess Genii)

cil99

  • Guest
Re: What can be done about a womanizer?
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2010, 12:19:52 PM »
I think that in many instances wives of womanizers *are* very trusting and sweet. Having a really sweet wife who the husband knows trusts him completely is one way a womanizer can get away with some of the stunts he pulls. You really can't do that with a wife who is very suspicious.

I didn't feel that the author was suggesting that all betrayed spouses are trusting and sweet.  Just as I didn't feel the author was saying all married men who have an extramarital relationship are womanizers.  There are some very specific lines being drawn in that article and I believe there is *some* merit to the argument the author is making.

That's not to say that the author should paint with too broad a brush.  But it's interesting food for thought.

I would be interested to see if the author follows-up with the companion article she suggests about the "seductress." 

Offline Hidden

  • I love him so much it hurts
  • Banned
  • Superhero Member
  • ******
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 2,256
  • Gender: Female
  • Live life to the full
Re: What can be done about a womanizer?
« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2010, 12:27:03 PM »
Interestingly enough, wives of womanizers are often very sweet, loyal, trusting and even naive women. massive generalisation
Earth - me,
Soul - CM,
Earthling - DS,
Safe - Souls partner,
LOVE WITH ABANDON (Princess Genii)

Offline Hidden

  • Guardian Member
  • *******
  • Join Date: Mar 2010
  • Posts: 7,108
  • Gender: Female
  • ~Philosophy is the biography of the philosopher~
Re: What can be done about a womanizer?
« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2010, 12:28:00 PM »
Thx, CG.  The column answered some of the questions in my sex addiction thread, too.

This hit the nail on the head:

Quote
Sex is not necessarily what he seeks, but it is the ultimate form of female acceptance. Some people term womanizers as sex-addicts, I prefer to view them as validation-addicts. Not that this distinction alters any of the behaviors, or condones them.

And this could apply to some OW, too (or is it just the OWV?):

Quote
It may take the wife years to become aware of her husband's dalliances. Even when the evidence is glaring, some women still allow for the most unlikely explanation for their husbands' blatant transgressions.

And I can't wait to see THIS article:

Quote
There is a parallel pattern for females -- the seductress. It is similar, yet not identical to the womanizer. (More about her in a future column).


What if both CM and I come into the category -two sick people together or maybe two kindred spirits understanding each other?

I understand that train of thought completely, earth.

Quote

1) it is saying you need an intensive rehabilitation therapy for love/sex addiction which I am sure the author would provide at a cost

Haha.  Yep.

The Man/THAT MAN (TM) = Xmm
Boy = DS
Jabba = stbxH
the Trucker = TM's W (thanks, Zoie)
Cub = OG (Other Young Guy)
OMM = Other MM
BM = Baby Mama
BTM = Baby TM

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. -Ernest Hemingway

Love is a serious mental disease. -Plato

Don't let someone put you on layaway! -Natalie Lue

cil99

  • Guest
Re: What can be done about a womanizer?
« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2010, 12:39:05 PM »
Quote
Interestingly enough, wives of womanizers are often very sweet, loyal, trusting and even naive women. massive generalisation

Indeed.  Although, the author hedges her bets a bit by saying "are *often* sweet. ."

My comments also included a qualifier.  I'm not an apologist for the article or the author.

 

Offline Hidden

  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Join Date: Nov 2008
  • Posts: 393
  • Gender: Female
  • Formerly crazyfortheguy!!
Re: What can be done about a womanizer?
« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2010, 05:41:13 PM »
A womanizer is a man who repeatedly gets emotionally and sexually involved with other women while being in a primary relationship. He indulges in flirtatious behaviors, attracting women with his charm and wooing conduct. Womanizing males are often very charming, appealing, and may even seem vulnerable, which many women find most endearing. Along with the playful seduction come flattering words, gifts, entertainment and fun activities bestowed upon his momentary love interest.

Lying is a necessary companion of all illegal and immoral conduct. The womanizer spins a web of intricate lies, cover-up stories and false alibis to sustain his double life.


That sums up my xMM!!  Thanks for sharing that CG!!
Life may take you where you least expect it but always have faith that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.