Author Topic: Interesting article - Why do we keep picking the wrong partner  (Read 3160 times)

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newvistas22

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Interesting article - Why do we keep picking the wrong partner
« on: January 02, 2009, 05:00:26 AM »
http://www.myrtlebeachonline.com/858/story/726785.html


Relationship 911: Why we choose the wrong partners
Life consists of a series of choices _ some more important than others. One of the biggest choices we each face is who we select as a mate. Obviously, the key is to choose well. However, in the arena of interpersonal relationships, we frequently choose poorly. The reasons we choose poorly are generally based on one or more of the following factors:

THE MYTH OF LOVE

From the time we are children we are conditioned to believe in the notion of "romantic love," "everlasting love" and the "one true love." Therefore, when we enter into a relationship we tend to imbue the relationship with these notions and expectations. Unfortunately, however, our compulsion to achieve these romantic notions frequently blinds us to the more practical considerations surrounding the relationship and the character and habits of our mate. Turning a blind eye to these more practical issues often results in making a poor relationship choice.

REPLAYING OLD SCRIPTS

On a deeper, level the choice you make in a mate is frequently driven by a subconscious need to re-create a dynamic which is familiar to you from your childhood. For example, if you suffered emotional wounding as a child, and you have not healed from those wounds, then you may be subconsciously compelled to revisit these wounding issues throughout your adult life. Often, something about the mate you choose helps to reconstruct this childhood dynamic. Thus, the emotional wounding which is so familiar to you from your childhood gets played out, over and over again, in your adult love relationships.

FILLING A VOID

If you are experiencing emotional turmoil such as loneliness, desperation, spiritual emptiness, or general insecurity, then you may be searching for something to fill the void. All too often, that "something" turns out to be a love relationship. The problem is that your need for pacification can blind you to the negative qualities your mate may possess, or the relative incompatibility between the two of you. Hence, you wind up making a poor relationship choice.

YIELDING TO PRESSURE

Frequently, people are compelled to pick a mate and settle into a relationship in order to satisfy the expectations of parents, friends or society at large. When the focus is on relieving external pressure or "fitting in," you can easily overlook more important considerations, such as the qualities of the mate you choose.

The effect of being hostage to one or more of these dynamics is that you lose clarity as to your true motivation for choosing the mate you choose. Without this clarity, you are prone to do the following:

_ Ignore red flags about your mate;

_ Make compromises on certain of your fundamental needs and values in order to be with your mate;

_ Mistake lust for love and compatibility;

_ Put commitment to your mate ahead of compatibility considerations; and

_ Mistake material comfort, beauty or power for love and compatibility.

The long and short of it is that if you are hostage to one or more of these dynamics, then you are either stuck in an unsatisfying relationship with the wrong mate, or you are in and out of relationships in which you repeatedly choose the wrong mate.

Why does this happen? The answer is that you are choosing your mates based on compulsion rather than free choice. Your best hope for curing this situation is to explore what drives your compulsion to make the mate choices you make.

Once you have clarity on what motivates you, you can commit to avoiding this mistake in the future, and free yourself to choose wisely. Remember, healthy relationships are borne of free choice, not compulsion.



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« Last Edit: January 03, 2009, 03:52:37 AM by Autumn »

PMGA

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Re: Interesting article - Why do we keep picking the wrong partner
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2009, 10:21:11 PM »
I have to say I disagree with this article. Every single person I know falls into one of these catagories, it doesn't mean they have chosen the wrong partner

Cleo

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Re: Interesting article - Why do we keep picking the wrong partner
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2009, 03:12:01 AM »
I have to say I disagree with this article. Every single person I know falls into one of these catagories, it doesn't mean they have chosen the wrong partner

It's a trick - because something applies to everyone the reader believes the writer to have unique insight because they recognize themselves in it.

I wasn't overly enlightened by it to be honest, but then I don't actually believe I choose the wrong partners anyway.....

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Re: Interesting article - Why do we keep picking the wrong partner
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2009, 04:08:20 AM »
I have to agree with Petra. There is no one who this would not apply to in one way or another. Everyone had flaws, we're all human.

Personally for me, I've found that no one could treat me the way I wanted to be treated until I met MM (they were all too rough or uncaring/unromantic). The difference, as I've noted, is that the wrong ones for me are the ones who chose me and I complied. When I chose MM, the only thing wrong with him was that he was M'd. He treats me absolutely the way I always wanted, we talk about everything under the sun (relationship talk has been difficult but we're improving that), we enjoy each other's company immensely, I look forward to learning new things from him and teaching him as well (I also never have been with anyone who has the age difference we do before, and I have to say, I actually like it quite a lot).
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newvistas22

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Re: Interesting article - Why do we keep picking the wrong partner
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2009, 06:15:30 AM »
I think the only time one keeps picking the wrong partner is ones who are exposed to an abusive person.  They are groomed to keep attracting that type unless they learn to protect themselves and get stronger.

My dad was abusive to my mom.  I watched and learned.  Thought it was normal...

Made me a prime target to attract one....which is why I held off for a long time so that I did not get hooked up with another.  You have to learn about yourself and try to change whatever allowed it to happen to begin with...


Interesting feedback...

Sometimes you wonder what researching this person did - or are they talking about themselves?

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Re: Interesting article - Why do we keep picking the wrong partner
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2009, 07:20:51 AM »
I agree with NV on the fact that we might pick partners based on what we have learned.

I think in my case, I am picking men that aren't able to make a complete committment.

I had married my MM years ago and then he passed away.  He was the love of my life,
my true soulmate.

After that, I have been with men who "aren't all there"   and now MM.  I feel that I
am picking these men because they will leave me no matter what the circumstance is,
the die or go back to their wife or they just don't have the capability of being
in a relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I do want to have a normal relationship.  Someone to be with me
always who will love me and take care of me and I can do the same in return.

I just don't know how to do it anymore.
xmm...is well...xmm
"best friend" is xmm's best friend"

Cleo

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Re: Interesting article - Why do we keep picking the wrong partner
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2009, 08:26:56 AM »
I had married my MM years ago and then he passed away.  He was the love of my life,
my true soulmate.

After that, I have been with men who "aren't all there"   and now MM.  I feel that I
am picking these men because they will leave me no matter what the circumstance is,
the die or go back to their wife or they just don't have the capability of being
in a relationship.

Sweety, they don't die deliberately, I'm sure yours didn't and mine certainly did not.

You have *NO* idea what reading your post just did to my insides, because I just soooo know how you feel..........

After losing someone who you believe / know to have been "The One" it is terribly hard to find someone who will measure up. The dead one aquires almost a halo - and, I don't know about you, I KNEW I would never ever love that way again, and would compare every man I'd ever meet with him. And they would all be found wanting.

So by picking unavailable men, be they married or simply emotionally / intellectually / fate-wise unavailable, you subconsciously avoid having to try and start again with someone who your inside thinks won't measure up anyway and if you're anything like me, "good enough" was never "good enough" for me, I have always reached for the stars and the moon and second best was always a No-No.

It makes it a very hard place to be in, when you are old enough to know that the dead person was "as good as it gets" and young enough to have to spend over half your life wondering why fate can be so bloody cruel...

I am only very slowly coming out of that phase, again with an unavailable man, but I am just beginning to relax and there is a hope that maybe, MAYBE lightning does strike twice after all.

At least with THIS one he wasn't destined to be disposable upon meeting - I actually intended to keep him around me......